In homage to everyone’s favorite animated program since The Simpson’s died and Matt Stone & Trey Parker began to focus on Broadway, I thought I’d vent some recent frustrations in the format made popular by perhaps of the most famous ball-sack-for-a-chin on television. 

Do you know what really grinds my gears…

  • What’s with those people who stand in the middle of intersections collecting money for a cause?  Seriously, the best way for you to raise awareness is to play in traffic?  If you want to do something for your specific charity of choice I suggest you setup shop outside of a grocery store or where pedestrians are heavily present like the rest of us did when hawking baseball candy and/or girl scout cookies.  Better yet have your parents bring your jar into their place of business and pressure their co-workers into supporting their child’s interests.  When sitting at an intersection the last thing I’m looking for is to be harassed by a stranger with their hand out.  If you find yourself mimicking the practices of bums I think you might want to reconsider your philanthropic allegiances.  I’m just saying…
  • How about those people at airports who need wheelchair assistance due to their own personal weight issues?  I think these people lead generally difficult lives for a number of obvious reasons and their once-a-decade trip to the airport is kind of a special treat for them.  The pull up and someone takes their bags and literally escorts them via wheeled throne all the way to their seat on a magical flying machine.  I can’t blame them for feeling like a king for a day quite frankly.  With that said, their condescension towards those who do not bow to their every whim while floating on a TSA approved cloud nine is appalling.  Oh I’m sorry, did my standing here minding my own business get in the way of you minimum-wage powered chariot?  How foolish of me to not kowtow to your every whim.  You’ve obviously worked very hard in life to get to the point where if I didn’t know any better it would appear that you have rubber bands on all of your major joints due to your skin rolling into multiple multiple crevices.  These are the same people who complain the loudest when planes are delayed or when they are unable to be the literal first person to board (because there are usually 3-5 of them per flight and someone has to go second).  The wheel chairs at the airport are like the social safety net systems we have in place in our society.  They are there for those who have fallen on bad luck but they are also intended to serve more like a net beneath a trapeze from which you will bounce back up, they’re not a final resting place to be enjoyed for any longer than necessary.  I wouldn’t think that it needs to be said but it’s not cool to be pushed through the airport, too many people believe that it is.  If your find yourself being wheeled through life you should, A) acknowledge your position at the bottom of the social totem pole and accept it in silence, and B) do everything in your power to work towards being able to stand on your own two feet. 
  • To everyone who feels the need to tell their life story to the clerk/cahier/waiter before placing their order or making their purchase – just don’t.  Especially when others are waiting to conduct their transaction after you.  No one cares.  Seriously.  We don’t want to know where you got that quarter or how your nephew’s love life is progressing.  Treat all of your commercial interactions as though you were ordering soup in New York.

  • What’s with the people who put their initials on the cuffs of their collared shirts?  The only logical reasons I can accept for this practice being anything beyond pure excess are if you’ve had issues with your shirts getting lost at the dry cleaners -or- if you are heavily involved in the orgy scene and after the fun is over there is regular confusion over whose attire it whose.  Those are the only two conclusions that I can come to and frankly my dry cleaner doesn’t screw up my order very often.
  • People who feel the need to tell you about their veganism/vegetarianism/religious beliefs/lack of watching television/the fact that Notre Dame is their alma mater/new diet/what their kid just did/recent vacation/etc. without your asking…. Yeah, no.
  • The fact that the one scenario where I no doubt, 100% of the time want to watch television is when it’s storming outside and that’s the exact same scenario where it’s a crapshoot as to whether my DirecTV will be working or not.
  • People who drive slowly in the left lane.  There is no fast lane if everyone is in the left lane at the same time.  If everyone does something them it no longer retains its purpose.  The concept of highway driving is that you should be in the right-hand lane for the vast majority of your travels and the left lane should be used for passing slower traffic as you come upon it.  And for the record, anyone in a position where they are pulling something behind their vehicle that is bigger than the car doing the pulling should recognize that in doing so they are signing a social contract to never leave the right lane during their travels.

Whew…  I feel better.  Do you?  This can get addictive as I could go on, and on, and on… but nay, it’s time to enjoy the weekend.  Have a happy Friday everybody!