The title is not a typo.  Please allow me to flex my flux capacitor and let’s take a look back at the year ahead.

January 2011

Finally we can make the – it goes to eleven – joke for a whole 365 days.  Of all the years to not be a leap year.  History is made as the Big Ten lays a Big Egg in the New Year’s Day bowl games.  I’m not sure if it was a feat for the Legends or maybe serves as a sign that Leaders need to emerge.  Even their new member Nebraska wasn’t up to husk in their game.  Welcome aboard Cornhuskers, you’ll fit right in.  The BCS crowns the Oregon Ducks the National Champions and no one feels quite right about it.  Ducks were a cute story when they were a bunch of hockey playing kids coached by Emilio Estevez but BCS Champs?  35,034 journalists and bloggers cry for TCU to get a fair shake and that a tournament is the only fair way to determine a champion.  Some of these things are just too easy to predict.

  The Bulls take an eleven game win streak into Miami and join Boston and Dallas as the teams that aren’t awed by the Three-Best-Friends-That-Anybody-Could-Have. 

Within 24 hours the Bears take the field against the New Orleans Saints and three hours later start to plan for next year.

A giant earthquake hits Arkansas/Louisiana.  Why else did all those birds die?  Are you telling me I’m the only one who sat through both 2012 & The Day The Earth Stood Still?

The Blackhawks realize that if they all stay healthy they might just be alright.  Welcome aboard Jeremy Morin and Nick Leddy.  Enjoy the view from the skybox John Scott and Nick Boyton.

The NHL’s new concept of a fantasy draft for the All Star game in Raleigh fails miserably because, A) it’s in Raleigh, and B) no one wants to play with Sidney Crosby so he takes his puck and goes home.

February 2011

The Patriots win another Super Bowl and Tom Brady gives each member of his offensive line a pair of Uggz for their effort.  Sorry, the joke was just sitting there and he brought it on himself.

The NFL decides Brett Favre crossed a line with the Jets masseuses’ and suspends him for the entire 2012 season.  It’s unfortunate that he’s already retired because they were really going to come down on him this time.

 On The Bachelor Brad kisses the girl that all the other girls in the house think is in it for all the wrong reasons.  You can literally feel the drama.

The NBA All Star game gets it right in have the Eastern Conference starting backcourt include Derrick Rose and Dwayne Wade.  Rajon Rondo gets upstaged by Rose yet again.  He should just get used to it for say… the next ten years.

We all agree to take a pill and hibernate through the month of February.  Who would complain about that?  Just think of it as catching up on a year’s worth of siestas and holidays that the rest of the developed world openly embrace.  The only real thing we would miss is the naturally ice cold tap water from our faucets.

The Bulls trade Taj Gibson and a future first round pick (not Charlotte’s) for Carl Landy and Omri Casspi of the Kings.  Get ready for the Omri to Omar connection!

The Chi-Guy comes through with his first victory in the 5th Annual Sparks Biathlon in Rhinelander, WI.  Crowds rejoice and babies are named in his honor.

Pitchers and catchers report.  The New York Yankees turn to watch Mark Prior repeatedly fake pitch a towel under Larry Rothschild’s tutelage.

The Hawks pick up a third line center at the trade deadline that they sell to their fans as a second line center – think Mike Comrie or the like.  An audible sign is heard across Chicagoland.

March 2011

We’re 9 weeks in and I think we can officially declare The Jersey Shore: Back To Jersey is the season the franchise jumped the shark.   Please pour a little of your Vodka Redbull out in its honor.

It’s March 16th and I haven’t expressed any madness yet?  What the hell… Wait, the opening round starts on St. Patrick’s Day… That’s what I’m talking about!!!!  I’ll let it slide this year NCAA but seriously, let’s try to keep the tournament in the month for which it’s named shall we?

There’s a surprising upset on the second day of the tournament.  A hungover nation sits up on the couch.

The White Sox have a winning record in Arizona resulting in the Southside unofficially celebrating by gathering on Western Ave. the Sunday before St. Patrick’s Day.  You got a problem with that?  643 people are arrested.

One rookie that’s too young – let’s call him Chris Archer – and one crusty veteran on a spring training invite –we’ll call him Scott Moore – will overachieve to the point that Cubs fans will flood the NorthSide Baseball message boards calling for Hendry’s head if they don’t make the team.  Neither goes north with the big club.  Seventeen nerds in their basement swear off the team for 48 hours and create a World of Warcraft guild for like-minded Orcs.  Leeroy Jenkins ruins their day

US Weekly breaks the story that a former child star just isn’t cutting it on Dancing With The Stars.  The Wife uses all ten of her text votes out of sympathy because they seem nice and look like they’re trying hard.  I tell her my phone doesn’t send texts to that number and she believes me.

April 2011

Let’s play ball!  The Cubs start 1-3.  3/5ths of Cubs fans declare the season to be over.

ESPN airs a Yankees–Red Sox game with the fervor of game 7 of the World Series.

The Chi-Guy makes his inaugural trip to The Masters and is quickly escorted from the premises for making inappropriate comments in the gallery.  The non-golf snobs next to me thought it was funny.  My hookup with lifetime tickets to Augusta never mentions another invitation.  This is going onto a career achievement list and it hasn’t even happened yet.

The Blackhawks make the playoffs as a 5 seed.  After a first round victory they are bound for #1 seed Vancouver and Roberto Luongo exacts his revenge.  Welcome to year 1 A.B. (After Byfuglien).  As with the game on December 3rd in Chicago, my Hey Roberto, Why the Luongo Face? sign does not have the relevance it was supposed to.

The Bulls on the other hand enter the playoffs as the #3 seed in the East.  After taking care of the Atlanta Hawks in the first round the Bulls luck out (cough) and renew their rivalry with the New York Knicks.  David Stern swears the league played no role in arranging such a marquee match-up.  Deadspin purchases photographic proof that he has his fingers crossed as he makes this statement.

The Bears have their first First Round draft pick in three years and promptly trade down for two Third Round selections and a Fifth.  We’re reminded that Jerry Angelo found Lance Briggs in the Third Round and Johnny Knox is a Fifth Round product.

 May 2011

Everyone cheers for a little horse with a great story however a Clydesdale embryo mixed with cheetah seamen that was grown in a Petri dish wins the Kentucky Derby.  I will have so many mint juleps in me by that point I won’t be able to tell the difference.

The Pittsburgh Pirates will have a winning record going into the month and we’ll be inundated with, “Is This The Year?” and “See, baseball has parity” stories from the nation outlets.  They will go on to lose 20 of their next 21 games.

The rest of the world will have their focus on Wembley Stadium on May 28th for the UEFA final and it will receive little fanfare domestically.  It’s a bad sign when I’ll have to DVR it as it will likely have a 3pm start and I will have to make zero effort to avoid finding out the final score before I get home.  Shame on usas a country.

The Bulls lose a classic series to Boston and realize they’re a year away from something great.

The Pittsburgh Penguins win the Stanley Cup over Vancouver. No pictures of Evgeni Malkin topless in a limo.  The league looks into ways to ensure the Hawks advance further next year.

June 2011

Pro Football Weekly publishes the second edition of their fantasy football magazine.  If you own this in June you have a problem.  If you own this in September you are not going to win your league.

One more time everybody…. Lakers-Celtics.  Like fine wine the rivalry gets better with age.  I flipped a coin and it came up Celtics.  A rule is passed that a new representative must come out of each conference next year.

The BP Cup spills into its second year in Chicago (sorry, the joke was just sitting there again).  It is received as well as a hotdog with ketchup on it.

The Bulls overcompensate and draft 4 shooting guards on June 23rd.

Chicagoans flock to the beaches.  I find myself moving further north from Castaways as each year passes.  You know you’re old when you start saying things like, “Montrose Beach is actually kind of cool and you don’t have to deal with all the people on the bike path.”

Look kids, a shooting Star(lin)!

Both the Cubs and White Sox make their selections in the MLB draft.  Three men in their fifties that live with their mother express outrage over the picks as they sit at a Kane County Cougars game scouting the a kid with a below average slider.

The Bears hold OTAs and a wide receiver from an obscure school in Louisiana that we took with the Fifth Round pick gained in May looks good in shorts and a mesh shirt.  Jerry Angelo smiles.  The reporters who get to see one morning session all week begin making Jerry Rice comparisons.

The Blackhawks draft a Canadian/American/Swedish center – lock it in.  Can we bet on these things 6 months out?

July 2011

Wait, what?  They still play a baseball All Star game?

One of my asshole friends – or one of The Wife’s friends (which is even worse) – will plan a wedding on the 4th of July.  It’s a long weekend that everyone has off – I get it.  That doesn’t mean I want to spend it with you.

If the Chicago Fire are in first place and no one knows what the MLS is, did it really happen?

Ozzie Guillen says a bunch of crazy crap and people just stop caring.  At the end of the year he’ll tuck his tale and go to coach the Marlins.  His son will trash the White Sox organization on the way out the door.  You stay classy Oney.

The Bears begin Training Camp – hope springs anew.  Everyone swears the offense is really coming together and Jay is a true leader.  The defense says they’ve never played faster.

Marlon Byrd and Aramis Ramirez find new homes with contenders.  The Cubs become Ellis Island – give us your tired, your poor, your huddled masses… as long as they’re prospects.

Both the NFL and NBA settle their labor disputes in dramatic fashion.  No one can be dumb enough to not learn from the disaster that was the 2004-05 NHL lockout.  It basically retarded the growth of the sport for five years. 

The Chicago Park District breaks down and switches Soldier Field to FieldTurf despite no one within the Bears organization taking responsibility for asking them to do so… no one objects either.

August 2011

Apparently our 5th round draft pick from rural Louisiana is having trouble grasping the offense.  It is decided we’ll red shirt him for a year.

Air & Water Show Weekend – true Chicagoans know the real treat is Thursday and Friday during the practice runs when they buzz the buildings.  That said I am free to attend if you are throwing a party on your rooftop pool on Saturday.  I’ll bring a sixer of Mike’s Hard.

The White Sox find themselves in 3rd place, let the collapse begin.  Finger pointing is all the rage south of the Stevenson.

Much like Hanukkah, the Bud Billiken Parade occurs and all the white kids in the suburbs don’t know what it means, but can’t ignore the chill in their spine it induces.

College football season begins.  If ever there is a time to go back to campus this is it as the weather is still warm and the undergrads still dress to impress before they get jaded by the real world.  Also a round of drinks cost $14.

It’s fantasy football draft time baby – where one night of the year makes up 70% of the fun of the whole season.  I came in 3rd in my league two years ago, and second this year.  I’m building my organization the right way and learning from each year’s losses (I do not play in a keeper league).  I am open to new team names however.  I like them inappropriate and ironic ideally.  Please send submissions to

September 2011

Come on down to Wrigley Field!  Please take the time to introduce yourself to your 2012 Chicago Cubs.  In center field – Brett Jackson.  That little Asian kid at shortstop is Hak Ju Lee – he’s got speed to burn.  Starlin Castro you best get to know the hot corner.  Chris Archer, we’re ready to be impressed.  Wait, Robinson Chirinos is how old?  Didn’t someone tell him he was supposed to lie about his age on his work visa papers?

The Bears go 1-3 in the preseason.  Hey they won a game!

Old Town Wine Crush – I hope you’re ready for me this year.  And if you make me buy over priced tickets for thimbles of wine I will bring your festival to its knees.

Matthew Berry’s head explodes on a live video podcast after Joe Flacco throws for 6 touchdowns in a game.

 October 2011

Devastating injuries ravage the Bears.  Don’t kill me, I’m just the messenger.  Karma is a bitch.  The media blames the new FieldTurf, the Bears claim they never asked for it.  Richard Dailey smiles from his recliner as someone else deals with the fallout.

Marcus Kruger makes the Hawks out of training camp.  Our center issues are resolved for the foreseeable future.

The Chicago Gourmet event is held somewhere around here.  It’s basically the Old Town Wine Crush but awesome.  The only reason I’m not sure of the date is I’ll probably be blacked out as I was in 2010… and 2009… and…  I do recall having a pleasant conversation with Marion Brooks however (no, my name is not Rob).   

The theme this Halloween is “slutty”.  Again, some of these are just too easy to predict. 

Plan a family vacation in October as there really isn’t much going on in the Chicago sport scene.  There will be no baseball in the Windy City post September.

November 2011

A bunch of teams are deserving, but only two get selected to play in the National Championship game.  Outrage ensues until a small boy in the back of the room named Oliver raises his hand and says, “what about creating some sort of a playoff sir?”  The room erupts in cheers and the NCAA embraces the concept whole-heartedly.

The Circus comes to Chicago and the Bulls and Hawks head west.  Each come home with winning records from their respective trips.  We may have something brewing at the United Center – the place where magic happens!

The Lions play and lose on Thanksgiving.

The annual Turkey Bowl I play in the Saturday after Thanksgiving devolves to a game of first to 5 and is over in under 30 minutes.  Getting old sucks.

December 2011

Our first snow fall, break out the skis/skates/and all things holy!

Ugly Sweater Party – that’s right, it’s back baby after a one year hiatus.  Details to come in 11 months.

The Bears play in crappy conditions for 5 straight weeks.  Luckily our offense is not built on precise timing requiring sharp cuts and traction.  Same goes for our good fortune in not having a defense built on speed and agility.  The FieldTurf proves to be a lifesaver however as player across the league acknowledge the improved field conditions.  The Bears are glad they asked for it are remarkably in first place in the Central when the season wraps.

The Bulls play in Miami on Christmas and beat the Heat to the point that Lebron James publicly admits he regrets not choosing to play with Derrick Rose rather than Dwayne Wade – asks if he can re-film “The Decision” and wear a different shirt.

The Blackhawks have regained their swagger.  The kids from 2010 have grown up and we’re looking at another long playoff run in 2012. 

Having cleared $70M from their payroll the Cubs re-create the 2006 offseason and spend money like it’s going out of style.  If you didn’t like the Soriano contract wait until you see what we throw at Nate McLouth.

Half of the White Sox roster gets deported back to Cuba.  Kenny Williams refuses to acknowledge they need to rebuild and signs Jim Thome to hit between Paulie and Adam Dunn.  Think of the power potential in the middle of that order. score a bunch of sweet web awards and whatever else good can come from a website.  Thank you very much for reading, for your time, your feedback, and you column ideas and topless photos.  Here’s to a great year ahead.  Let’s make sure this year goes to eleven.