I literally was patting myself on the back earlier this evening as I found ways to procrastinate putting this post together as to date I have yet to truly experience the sensation of “writers block.”  I just assumed it was a fictional malady like the “Swine Flu” or a “Runner’s High.”  But lo and behold, as the cursor blinks back at me on an empty page two and a half hours later I’m forced to face my demons. 

Sure there were times in college when I had a paper due in eight hours and I hadn’t even started yet, but that’s what a smooth blend of alcohol, Vivarin, and Pringles is for.  In reality I think the looming deadline of the given paper proved impetus enough to just get something on paper and faith in the momentum found in writing to carry you the rest of the way.  When the TA later says that the paper was long winded and unfocused you can always play the “I was trying to embrace my inner Kerouac” card and see where it gets you. 

So if you can’t tell I’m putting my faith in the flow right now and let’s see what comes out the other end.  Without a binding theme to my next thousand words I’ll opt to attempt to herd my feline-like streams of conscious into the corral that is… Quick Quips.

  • I’ve been watching Stephen King’s The Stand on the SyFy network of late.  It is undoubtedly a tour de force of all things 1994, embodying the era like few other pieces of media could dream of capturing any time period.  I wanted to write about 3,000 words just on The Stand alone but certainly have fears of taking the small enough readership of this website and totally alienating you trusty few with a topic incredibly off the beaten path.  With enough prompting I’m happy to play along but will need to hear from you, the reader, to pursue any further.  Drop me a line at chicagochiguy@gmail.com if interested. 

 

If you’ve never seen The Stand I can’t urge you enough to do so.  Now don’t get this confused with a “good” movie (technically it’s a four part mini-series), but it’s one of those things in life that’s so bad it’s good.  Kind of like Mortal Kombat, The Fast & The Furious movies, and pretty much everything with Nic Cage in it.

I mean, look at this cast and tell me you’re not impressed.  What other piece of pop culture could bring Dauber from “Coach”, Parker Lewis, Lieutenant Dan, Molly Ringwald, and Rob Lowe playing a deaf mute together?  On top of the cast, the movie also brings these wonderful quotes into your living room,

“If you didn’t want to get your hands dirty you should have stayed off the committee in the first place.  We’re probably sending people off to get killed.  Yeah that’s right, making tough decisions like that is what being in charge is all about.  Now grow up and do it or get out.”

-or-

“Tell it back to me Tommy.  What will you say if they ask you questions?”

“You drove me out because you were afraid I might… have a woman and fill her belly up with a retard like me.”

You can’t make this stuff up.  Just go to OnDemand, Netflix, or flip over to the SyFy channel as soon as you can so we can all discuss ok?

  • My men’s league hockey team is currently facing the dilemma of wanting to cut our goalie due to his pure suckiness and our having found a better replacement on the waiver wire.  The kid is about to get Wally Pipp’ed but in a men’s league hockey format where he doesn’t even pay to play (apparently there’s some unwritten protocol where goalies play for free) where do you draw that line?  Can you really cut a kid from a team that convenes at 11pm on Tuesday nights and plays for what I would deem is less than pride?
  • What on God’s green Earth is going on with the Theo Epstein negotiations with the Cubs?  Both sides have played this about as poorly as they could have.  The Cubs went ahead and came to an agreement with him before understanding the compensation required from Boston’s end, essentially giving away all of their leverage.  Since then however Boston has already named Theo’s replacement and burnt their bridges with him, while continually  giving themselves a black eye in the media and public’s perception with each day that passes, giving the momentum right back to the Ricketts family.  Someone needs to end this, settle on a single A player from Peoria to ship East and call it a day. 
  • Why would someone slap Devin Hester in the back of the head at a casino in Des Plaines.  I’m not quite politically aligned with Hannibal but in this case I think the “eye for an eye” approach is applicable.  They could even make it a pay-per-view event where for $10 you could tune in and watch Hester smack some white dude upside the head.  At what dollar amount would you decide it’s not worth paying to see that?
  • Southwest Airlines has decided that they no longer honor expired drink coupons.  Do you have any concept how many expired drink coupons I have?  I could literally make a flipbook that tells a story with a dramatic arch using all the tickets I’m going to have to throw out.  Thus begins the fall of the empire ladies and gentlemen.
  • It has come to my attention that LSU cornerback Tyrann Mathieu is trying to take the Honey Badger moniker from our dear Russell Wilson.  Well that’s just crap.  Why can’t he be the Chocolate Tiger or something a little more school specific?  I’m calling upon you, Chi-Guy nation, to place the Honey Badger crown where it rightfully belongs on Russell’s head.  Email this website to all your Wisconsin, and specifically Madison based friends and alumni, and let’s get this campaign back on track shall we?   
  • Ozzie Guillen is taking shots at Don Cooper, the White Sox past and present pitching coach.  Color me shocked orange.
  • Did you know peeing in the shower saves approximately 1,160 gallons of water annually? 

Alright, that’s it for today.  I’m done.  M-O-O-N, that spells done.