I’m in Las Vegas this week so please accpet my appologies if my posts are a bit hazy and incoherent.  I would like to quickly talk about something that I can’t get my mind around every time I go through the experience.  What I’m refering to is the necessity for the “how to” speech you receive everytime you board an air plane.  It’s 2011, who above the age of five has never flown on a commerical jetliner in their lives at this point? 

I really don’t understand why the flight attendants are still required to tell us that our seats are floatation devices, yellow plastic cups will fall from the roof if something terrible is about to happen, and the thin piece of metal slides into the fat piece of metal to keep us locked in our seats.  This is literally the exact same speech they gave in 1960 as the airline industry hasn’t exact been revolutionized in the past 50 years.  It’s not like there are new exits or anything we need to be aware of.  And if shit hits the fan up there I can guarantee I will not be refering to the safety sheet in the seatback pocket, but rather will most likely resort to making out with the hottest passenger (man or woman) within a three row radius or stealing jewelery off the elderly.  Ideally both.  The safety speech is just pomp and circumstance to make us all feel like there’s a plan when the sky literally begins falling.  There’s no plan people, it’s called an emergency for a reason.  If the plastic bags fall into your lap, things aint right and you’re going to react how you react.  Pretending otherwise is pointless.  It’s like the whole TSA security check, but that’s a whole different rant. 

I say all of this and yet, inevitably on each flight there is someone who walks onto the plane and says something to the extent of, “oh, I can sit anywhere?” (I fly Southwest a lot).  Yes you can sit anywhere.  If you’ve literally ever watched TV, or making the assumption you bought your own ticket – either online or over the phone – this message should be imbedded in your head by now.  I think my dog knows that “Bags Fly Free” and it’s “Open Seating” on Southwest.  I want to hit these people with a tack hammer sometimes.  

Speaking of that tack hammer, the next time a pilot interrupts my movie/sleep/podcast with a general update mid-flight telling us our altitude, current location, and his thoughts on how dinosaurs really just evolved into birds, I’m coming for him.  When the pilot feels like interjecting useless facts like our airspeed or what the temperature at 30,000 feet is, I think it means he’s just lonely up there and feels like interrupting everyone elses peaceful flight.  You’re paid to fly the plane, please do so and keep the rest of your thoughts to yourself buddy. 

And why aren’t there women pilots…