I’ve tried to remain high brow in this space (I know, it’s hard to believe right?) but a string of recent conversations and disagreements has dragged my mind into the gutter, or perhaps more apropos, into the bowl.  It is with much chagrin and little fanfare that I would like to officially open, and with your assistance, close the book on the appropriate protocol of The Wipe.

What wipe you ask?  I think you know exactly which wipe I refer to.  The Wipe in question is the only one that we all perform, hopefully on our own, and with some degree of regularity each and every day.  It is not an act of convenience but rather necessity.  When done properly, regardless of your school off thought (more on that in a second) it should be swift and efficient, bringing pleasure rather than pain, and peace rather than discomfort.  Most all agree it should be performed in a front to back motion as not sweeping the dirt back into the kitchen is as instinctual as recognizing guilt on the face of Jerry Sandusky.  Sometimes more work is required than less but always the end goal is the same, sharing the motto of the US Armed forces in an attempt to have no man left behind. 

As alluded to above however, several conversations of late within my social circle have arisen with no clear resolution being agreed upon as to the appropriate amount of energy that is required in this effort.  To put it more bluntly, the jury is hung as to whether one should be in a standing or seated position to properly execute The Wipe in all of its glory.

I will now present to you the arguments made on the behalf of each camp and would ask that you the reader weight the facts carefully and use the Comments section provided to break the fifty-fifty tie at hand. 

First, the case for staying seated…

Unless you live in the wilderness, any precursor to your making The Wipe should find you already in this position.  One would argue that staying seated is the more civilized approach to the situation as minimizing exertion has been the sign of progress since the Industrial Revolution and the natural laws of physics will come to your aid.  When the time for The Wipe arrives, one is able to leverage their existing environment, and like a car on two wheels, gain access to areas that previously were too tight a squeeze. 

With a simple shift of your weight access is granted to spots previously sealed and yet none who may be looking on (those filthy bastards) would be any the wiser.  A friend recently made the salient point that after having been a life-long member of the standing community, he found discomfort in being the only head that popped above the stalls when his business was concluded.  This matter is magnified should you be attending a gathering where the water closet has a window and your silhouette betrays your actions to any who may happen to catch them. 

To the Sitters in our group standing is akin to the little boy that pulls his pants to his ankles at the urinal, meeting the need at hand but one would argue a step beyond that which is required to accomplish the goal.  Their stance is that Standing is what is taught at an early age but something that should be grown out of or evolved from at some point duing young adulthood.  As one matures they should gain an understanding of the world around them and use simple rules of nature, fulcrums and friction, to gain access, minimize risk of contamination, and contain the event to an isolated area.  In both physics and civilization, the Sitters stake their flag while keeping their fannies firmly planted.

Stand for that which you believe…

The Standers are a different breed as their arguments revolve around much more basic principles of evolution and tenants of culture.  Man has evolved since the dawn of time resulting in bi-pedal capabilities unmatched in the animal kingdom.  Much as we have tamed fire and learned to use tools and weapons, having the ability to rise to two feet rather than four exceeds the capabilities of genus and familia bretheren.  Every other animal squats to excrete, but we humans were able to designate a specific location for this act to occur as well as the ability to stand on our own two feet and walk away upon completion. 

In standing we are saying that we rise above our animal brethren and that we cannot, nay will not be held down. 

Standing also allows for a much cleaner access point to achieve the end result as there is no need to sneak wads of paper in and out between the crevice of flesh and porcelain like intelligence agents sliding through Check Point Charlie during the Cold War.  Arguments have been made that a simple lean does not create the necessary space to complete the task at hand with the efficiency one would prefer, and any degree of quality control and verification of an accomplished mission comes with unnecessary risk of an accidental graze as though one were playing the game of Operation – heaven forbid you touch the edges. 

Standing implies freedom and a chance for your legs to regain their sensation in the instances when extended exposure to elbows leaves them a-tingle.  The Wipe may be performed to satisfactory conclusion with proper verification at any point in the process and you may approach it it from a variety of angles. 

Sure standing comes off as a bit childish but so does telling people something is “under there” until they ask “underwear?” and I don’t see myself stopping that anytime soon.

So I turn to you the reader for clarification on the proper way forward before we wipe the record clean once and for all.  Will you stand for your beliefs and continue to sit?  Will you confidently stay seated in the discussion knowing that there’s nothing wrong with with elevating above the rest to do what’s best (all puns definitely intended)?  I’m interested in your thoughts and suggestions on this matter of national security,  Comment away…