Just before the New Year, The Wife and I crossed the threshold into the infamous third trimester of pregnancy.  It’s been an interesting ride to say the least.  Along the way we’ve picked up some definite do’s and don’ts in navigating the way through the world with a pony keg tucked under your shirt. 

Without further ado, below please find my question and answer session with The Wife about her first six months with child covering some particularly “touchy” subjects.

Chi-Guy: How do you feel about people touching your stomach?

The Wife: I realize people’s intentions are genuine but I’m as comfortable with a stranger touching my stomach as I am with them grabbing my ass

Tell me how you really feel…

I don’t go around grabbing fat guy’s beer guts, I’d ask that they reciprocate.

So what’s worse for you, the touching in general or the fact that it’s strangers doing it?

Honestly I’m not wild about the touching as I have a personal bubble (that’s ever expanding) but the fact that it’s strangers creeps me out the most.

Any comments that people have made that illicit a particularly hostile reaction?

“Are you sure you’re not having twins?” Are you f-ing serious?  Who asks that?  If I was having twins you sure as hell would hear about it.  Since I’m not, and I haven’t said anything to you about it, assume I’m not and let’s leave it at that. 

Who’s asked if you’re having twins?

People at work, some of the mothers of my students, strangers…

The same strangers that feel you up?

Uh-huh.  Unless you have Tourette’s there’s literally no reason for you to be asking such stupid questions.

Have your friends and family done anything strange or socially awkward?

Aside from my Dad telling total strangers that I was pregnant before the three month mark because he was under strict orders that he couldn’t tell family or friends yet, everyone has been great.

What about your husband?  How has he been through this entire process?

Chi-Guy has been like Mary Poppins for the past three months “practically perfect in every way” (* editor’s notes: not all responses are verbatim)

Awww… you’re too kind.  Do you have any friends that you’re “going through pregnancy” with?

Not really.  I caught the tail end of one friend and I’m sure there will be some shortly after, but no one I’m going through each phase with particularly.  Aside from Beyoncé and Jessica Simpson that is.

Name dropper.  If you could have one celebrity friend to share pregnancy with who would it be and why?

I’d really like to go through pregnancy with Kate Middleton.  It would be so cool to see the maternity clothes she wears and the baby clothes she dresses their children in. 

I knew you would say that.  I almost started writing the answer before you responded.

I’m sorry I’m not sorry

Do you feel a bond when you pass or interact with another pregnant woman?

At first I’d say no, but the further into to pregnancy you get the more you see the pain and strain on other pregnant women’s faces and you kind of have that “I know what you’re going through” bond between you.  At first I hadn’t experienced the spectrum of emotions that you go through in the process, now that I’m further along I can appreciate someone else’s efforts.

Do you think it’s fair to make comparisons between one person’s pregnancy and another’s?

No.  Everybody carries so differently and feels so differently, you always look at someone else and can guess what they feel but everyone has a different experience.  One friend of ours is due a month ahead of me but looks like she’s two months behind in her pregnancy.

And how does that make you feel?

It’s the Angela & Pam Complex from “The Office.”  I’m ready to punch the skinny bitch in the face.  When she brings up how “different” we are for being so close together I could literally wring her neck.

How have your eating habits changed?

Besides housing a bowl of cheesy popcorn during this interview?

Any fun cravings?

I would seriously consider keeping a small herd of cattle in the backyard for the amount of beef I could eat (note: The Wife could not be paid to order a steak at a restaurant seven months ago.  In the past three months she’s consumed the equivalent of a holstein calf.)  I went through an avocado phase which was fun.  And I could basically eat breakfast foods at any point in time.

Do you think steak and red meat is here to stay? 

I hope so, as long as it gets balanced with fish again (note: fish has all but been removed from The Wife’s diet – not for mercury reasons, but rather due to taste).  I’m looking forward to ordering my first surf and turf.

Awesome…  Anything else getting phased out of the diet in the past six months due to taste/the idea of it?

Lunch meats are out.  You’re not supposed to have them in the first place but you couldn’t pay me to eat a bologna sandwich right now.

What do we have to look forward to in the three months still to come?  Any thing you’re looking forward to or dreading?

I’m not looking forward to the live birth video they make you watch in class.  They said it best on “Up All Night” when they referred to it as “hair coming out of hair.”  I also wouldn’t mind a good midnight craving where I send you out for something in the middle of the night.  You’ve gotten off easy.  I’m also waiting for my first random emotional outburst – tears and all.

Are you looking forward to that or fearing it?

I’m teasing.  I’d rather not have to go through that.

Good, you’re emotional enough as is…

Why don’t you take that broken light bulb and shove it… (edited for content).

What about fears?  You didn’t mention any.

I don’t know if it’s appropriate to say but I don’t want to poop on the baby.  I hear that happens when you’re pushing.  You’d never let me live that down.

This is very true.  Anything else you’d like to cover?  General rules that society should know in dealing with chicks who are preggers?

  1. 1.       Women in their third trimester should get to use handicapped parking at stores
  2. 2.       Pregnant women should get first dibs on seats in public siting forums
  3. 3.       Pajama pants in public should not be looked down upon
  4. 4.       Maternity stores should not be located on the second floor of the mall

Well I must say that you’ve been an incredibly great sport through all of this.  As noted above, I was prepared for tears and yelling and outrageous demands, and you haven’t done any of that.  For that I am eternally grateful.  I know that you’re going to be a fantastic mother and I couldn’t wait to begin this next phase of our lives together.  I love you.

Go to hell.