I thought I knew my BFF inside and out.  We do everything together and don’t share secrets, or so I thought.  So imagine my surprise when Sunday night the news broke that Jay Cutler and Kristin Cavallari are expecting a baby.  Seriously Jay?  You never found the right time to tell me about this?  Who’s front porch did you curl up on with a copy of Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants and a bottle of Ecco Domani last summer when you two broke up?  And you can’t tell me about this?  It’s cool, I’ll pretend those snickerdoodles made themselves and I ate them all on my lonesome with a bunch of blankets and quilts on the couch over the course of an entire Saturday.  I thought I knew you…

Since you didn’t feel the need to share this little tidbit with me don’t expect me to buy you something off both your wedding and baby shower registries.  It’s just not going to happen.  Pick which is more important to you, and just know I’m not spending a dime more than you spent on my shower.  That’s how I roll.  I wish I could rescind all those votes I texted in on Kristin’s behalf to “Dancing With The Stars” last fall.  Not like they did a lot of good.  Maybe my gift to you will be a credit for the voice and message rates that applied. 

Friends talk Jay.  Friends share big news like this with their best buddies.  I shouldn’t have to learn about your little bundle of joy from People magazine.  I feel empty inside.  Is it me?  Did I do something wrong?  Is this about New Years?  It is isn’t it?  You know how drunk we all were, and I didn’t mean it like that.  Kristin took it way out of context.  Her boobs were falling out of that dress, someone had to say something.  I was doing her – and you for that matter – a favor.  It was a joke anyways, quit being so sensitive.  Gosh.

Listen, I’ll do whatever it takes.  Let’s just get back to being buds again ok?  I know with Greg getting traded last fall and Caleb on his way out, your friend pool is getting a little shallow.  If the team drafts or signs a wide receiver or two this off season even Dane is going to need to start putting together his highlight tape.  Let’s face it, I’m quickly becoming all you’ve got.  So let’s put this behind us shall we?

I feel better, do you?  Good.  Just tell me this stuff going forward and we don’t have to go through this emotional rollercoaster next time dude.  So we’re cool now right?  Solid.  Don’t worry, The Wife and I will get your baby something too, because I already got the decanter you wanted and I don’t think I can return it.  Our kids are going to be best friends.  Forever.  If I have a boy and you have a girl do you want to arrange one of those child wedding that we see on “Maury” sometimes.  Just kidding… kind of.  I’m so glad we’re back to normal again.